Oh and one more thing, on top of all this he continues to traumatized me by giving my moms and grandmas car to this lady to drive and she even uses my moms dresser and this just is so wrong I want to die sometimes to make it stop. I just hope that you could open your mind to someone new in your life that it is not trying to replace your mother or father. Most of the adult children of parents who are dating after a reasonable amount of time of the passing of a spouse, are in a mode of it is all about me and not about my parent. We suffered with them too as well as all the family members. Awesome. Shortly after the funeral, the song came on the radio on my way to work, and I absolutely lost it. So that is the short version of my story. Key Tip 1: In time, grief will diminish, although it sometimes takes a year or longer. No one will understand what we widows/ers go thru unless you walk in our shoes. oh and forgot to mention when I first met her I googled her and found she had 3 DUIs already. After my mother died seven years ago at 84, my father didnt want to live in their house alone. It's very helpful to meet other people with similar, and maybe even worse circumstances than your own. It is not easy for women to find a good man, and to be honest it is not easy for a man to find a good woman. I truly hope that all of you can find peace with your fathers dating again, and I am so very thankful to have found this site. You cant just erase them from the face of the earth. She described how shed always be sad that her dad would never be at her wedding or meet her son Teddy, but the sadness was nothing compared to the guilt she felt while thinking back to those little moments when she could have done more. These dinners were pretty casual (March-April 2013). His parents (mom and stepdad) were married for 25 years. To me that is the ultimate low in character. The sooner the better. They never invite me to their outings together, and when I ask him why I cant come sometime, he blows me off. As I said, I caught him weeping at his wedding reception and it didnt appear to be because he was happy about getting remarried. . So as if all of this is not bad enough now he tells me that she is gunna move into his house. I am just not going to feel sorry for someone who is disliked by both her family and his. She would do something appalling and be banned from my sister or my home. Is the number one destination for online dating with more for all you women dating widowed men, take note that the adult children (esp daughters?) Hi Lisa, I mean moms been gone for 5 months now and I have to meet the new misses? My dad does not spend Christmas or Christmas Eve with his family. Then not even 5 months later he was dating seriously, and had been talking about marriage with Meaghan, when you bend over backwards, you are likely to lose your balance. Mom put to death at her own request after murdering her 5 kids This story has been shared 97,343 times. Then he met the one we didnt, not because we didnt try because we did. I asked my dad if they were just friends and he said yes and then he pinky promised on it. I believe that acceptance and clear communication is important for both parties. Do you know though, that this woman accused me of giving in to my husband though and going to his familys for holiday dinners years ago? We loved my father very very much. Your counsellors attitude is beyond comprehension! One night we decided to open a bottle of her favorite wine to toast her memory, and before I knew it my Step-Dad and I were making love on the living Heck perhaps they didnt like your husband or wife but didnt treat yall with such coldness, at least i pray they didnt. Meg, I wish now I would have gone nuts on him and really screamed to him what and how I really felt. I guess I just have a hard time understanding him. She was only 59 years old. The family has been told by word or deed that their pain and suffering is secondary to the new romance. With so little communication one could only conclude that it is based on attraction rather than having a lot in common. I have been reading through previous posts and feeling much better that I am not alone. Dont do it only for appeasing the feeling of familial obligations. You may assume you bring all this joy to the mans life, and you think of your own needs in justifying the relationship, but as a woman, I feel that the disrespect to my mothers memory and to family, even if I seem to be the only one devastated, angry and in grieving now for the loss of my dad due to the girlfriend, is beyond anything I would bring to the children of that family if I were thinking of swooping up a widower 4 months after the death of a spouse. I am 23 years old, I am her youngest, and I am in the toughest time trying to get through this. I had spent the previous week crying 24/7, and to put it bluntly, I was simply tired of blowing my nose. My Mom and Dad befriended a lot of people in the neighborhood and attending every event and were really enjoying it. It seems that tonight, my world was shattered all over again after his phone call. Since I was in the kitchen most of the time cooking and preparing the meal, I didnt even get to talk to him at all. If she wants something, she gets my dad to call our house. Hope these things give you some things to consider. My Mum died almost 2 years ago in Sept 2011. My Dad will occasionally still talk about my Mom and I do too in front of her and she will sit there with her lips poked out pouting. The sad realization that I have made is that my dad may have always been a follower. If I become estranged when she move on, it will be easier to deal with the death of that parent as we have already parted in the living years. You moved out and made your own friends/relationships, and eventually you will probably find one person to be with for a while. All that matters is that she is respectful and sensitive and treats my father, my rock with the same as he treats her. I am a 45 yr old man who lost his wife of 18 years and partner for over 23 yrs after a long battle with cancer. Your Mom needs to go get a job. We dont have a problem with him dating , its just who he is dating. Furthermore, if it had been the other way around (i.e., my dad had died instead of my mom), then I would have actually encouraged my mom to get out and meet someone! We see her 6 kids, 40 grandkids, ex-daughter-in-laws & all kinds of rif-raf coming & going & trashing Dads house. This is how our family learned that he married her. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. Its as if, as long as HIS needs, HIS desires are met, to heck with EVERYONE else. You say you cannot know how you will feel in the future and so you cannot predict how you will feel so when people say things like I will never accept it they should not forecast their future emotions. Im not frail, fragile nor naive. Honestly, Id rather stick a fork in my eye than talk to her. I am married and living about an hour from my parents house. Another website I just left everyone was telling me to grow up, stop being selfish and thats her personnel affair. My father fawned over her and treated her like a goddess. I used to just let her say pretty much whatever she wanted, but Ive gotten to a point where if I dont agree with her, I just let her know it. I was very calm until he left, then i cried for hours! Sorry for all the misspellings above. On him or may be happy for grieving over and dating as caretaker but. The relationship may well blow over. Comparing notes about your feelings and sadness and living in a way that keeps you mired in pain will fade when you accept that your JOB IS TO BE HAPPY. I suggested talking it out. I dont want him to separate from them. Now my father and his wife have asked by written correspondence to be able to take our daughters, seven and nine, for a few days. Some of you expressed concern about the relationships being too soon, and I agree with some of you, but specially men that depended completely n their wives, have been married for a long time, dont want to be alone. I don't know if it helps, but if you do ever want to just spout out, feel free to PM me. We had no choice in this. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. He goes to dancing every Tues night. Ironic that what motivated me to try to forgive was the fact I did not want him to be alone. You guessed it. PERFECT example of entitlement in this societyME ME ME, and Im not talkin about me. Heres what Im not thrilled about: I really feel your pain. If you read this could you message me in the hope that we can help each other ? My dad has changed with the way he is with me too. Shortly after that, he asked us if we would have our children call her grandma. I think he can now begin to start processing his grief over my moms death (we have just now passed the three month mark since her funeral.) He acts like mom never exsistedthey were married 38 years. Recently, she was invited to family function by my brother (who did not tell me). Instead, he announced his engagement a mere 3 month and 3 weeks after her death. The problem is, even if the relationship is short-lived the pain it has already caused will not heal. He would just come by and drop off boxes and boxes of pictures and not go thru them. So in my moms house, surrounded by her beautiful knick-knacks, is this woman with no job, no prospects (she seems a little brain damaged), and no sign of getting better. You could try writing a letter from yourself and your sister because he would have to read it and not interupt or threaten. After reading all your posts, Id rather never meet her! Ten weeks after my mothers death this woman began coming to stay in the house.I cannot describe the awfulness of that time. He tells me what a wonderful person she is, but I dont buy it, and neither do my sisters. When a spouse leave this earth what is the widow or widower is suppose to do with the remaining of their life. When I was about 16 my friends Mum was dropping me off a short distance from my home when her car would not start late on a Sunday. When they decide to remarry it involves the entire family their children, grandchildren, in-laws. He may be able to fulfill some of the emptiness he has felt and may feel he at least has a purpose to continue his life. Sadly, Mom passed away in 2002 from that awful C wordCancer. Otherwise, my father spent the entire weekend with them, and my brother and I were stranded at home all alone. Should I try to truly deeply understand them more? Better yet, cook a meal with her. And though Im not a psychiatrist or counselorand while mourning takes on different forms for everyoneI wanted to share what brought me comfort. I understand that my father needs companionship, but I do not feel that it would be too insensitive to ask him to please wait just a bit longer, even a few weeks longer- so that we can at least get used to the idea. And remind yourself of the ways that her connection with him was different than yours. Your father says talking with women online makes him feel better. My father has no friends so thats why hes so desperate to be with her. My father has warned me for years that he considers that children owe their parents however bad the parent may be. WebWhen my Father died, I used to go to my mom's for dinner every week, she would always say she could eat when someone was there. But. My sister and her family went to surprise them. Dear Erin, Im sorry that you havent been able to share your grief with your mother at a time when youre both reeling from this tremendous loss. It seems more like she is having a party instead of respecting my fathers memory. Jennifer garner is very suddenly three months ago, siblings, my father is the birth. On thanks giving my dad was not feeling up to leaving the house, but guess who showed up? Know that even if they fumble over the right words to say, or text you a meme when you were hoping for sincerity in that moment, that they love you, and are trying. there is a minor child living with them, my grandchild. He was supportive with my Mom, but also caused my Mom some pain and sadness towards the last few months of her as he simply could not understand why she would not eat. For me expressions such as Youll have more,There was obviously something wrong with it,At least you already have a child beggar belief. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. I finally started having dinner myself on the Sunday after Thanksgiving and having them and my brother over. PRIOR TO MY MUM HAD DIED MY BROTHER MOVED IN AND MARRIED A PHILLPINE Its like its no longer convient for him to do that. But, his actions have alienated many family members including me. Nice. Knowing this, I sought out my dad, and I developed a great relationship with him. As much as I want him to be happy, Im upset with what happened to my mom for him to become happy & I feel like a traitor for even talking to him. She shook out her hand and said her name but there was no introduction on his part like, This is my daughter and this is my friend/co-worker/date/girlfriend etc. So I sat there the whole concert wondering who the heck this woman is. Ive watched Ive watched several of your videos tonight. I actually understand your frustration because you have done nothing wrong & you havent done anything wrong. He now expects me, his daughter to participate in holidays there. I think it really depends on the spouse and family and friends of the deceased. Im Dave who posted in November of 2014 . Bringing in a stranger so soon after the death of a spouse and abandoning your own family during the time they need you the most is inexcusable. I never realized how much paperwork you have to do when someone dies. Below are the six things I learned to do in life, which helped me to survive the past six years: This is very clichd, I agree, but that doesn't make it any less valid. But anyway, I felt like this neighbor more or less pushed Ellen onto my Dad. Hi, Julie. On Thanksgiving they go to her brothers and his wifes house to eat and I assume they go there on Easter as well. My struggle has always been how to care for someone who is so self-sufficient. Needless to say we have grinned and bared it, and have been as pleasant and respectful as can be.We went for dinner to my dads house that he and my mom built together & new wife thinks she owns it, besides the point we had dinner and I noticed something on her wrist and it seemed like she was hiding it all evening I was staring and making sure that maybe I was just seeing things. Wow. Well it seemed to be a lot easier to deal with when it involved my sister in law and her new boyfriend than my dad and his new girlfriend. I feel so sorry for you. left and never turned back, he took her to Florida for a month when he got back never contacted me and when he sees me he ignores me and snuggles her or holds her hand , like he is rubbing my face in it, siblings say get over it and let him be happy, I just cant, I am so hurt and he has also made comments to me THAT i FEEL WERE IN APPROPRIATE she has the womans touch, and you dont know how i lived very hurtful things anyone else having issues like this, I totally understand both of you. And mind you im her only niece from my mom.She had a spots car she lost. 22 women until he reconnected with a woman who he had known for 30 years. He really only cares about himself. He didnt tell any of us- he just did it. When my father finally broke up with this woman, we begun to work on talking again slowly.He then began dating another woman, who I am not completely comfortable with but have learned after experiencing the loss of my spouse in 2008, that what my father said about loving my mother no matter what and that even though he choose to date again he would love my mother no matter what and would do anything to be with her again. BUT she feels entitled to the rest of him and what he does and who he dates. I wanted to scream, youre only able to say that since my MOM is dead.. Needless to say I didnt sleep all night and sent my father a heartfelt email telling him how I felt about the situation. Our kids are simply amazing, they truly are. she is like a dog marking her territory. Finally, we had a 3 hour discussion where I was able to say how I felt about everything for the past 8 years. They served each other in love. So now its November.. my dads house is in the process of being fully remodeled. I am in the same situation. It's okay to be heartbroken; you won't lose that deep connection with him. She has already traded his truck & her van in for a brand new van for herself. I realize that you cant always make everyone happy and eventually you have to be in charge of your own happiness, but it is important to talk with those close to you and try to understand what they are feeling and also the reverse, have the children try and understand what the spouse is feeling. And because I told people that I didnt want to talk about it, eventually, they listened. And to top it all off my dad had a massive heart attack, essentially died, and was kept on life support for about a month before coming out of it pretty fine but with a greatly impacted heart which currently run at about 35%. For example, my dad and my sister used to go sailing together all the time they were very close; yet, now he refuses to do ANYTHING with any of us, ever, unless his wife is also present. I'm sure there are other Redditors who have experienced something like what you're experiencing, too, and would be willing to talk. These things may be forgiven but a person cannot erase the pain from their memory unless they have memory loss. The love of our lives died right in front of us, helpless, all our dreams to grow old together, and spend the golden years taking care of each other, see our grandchildren grow up, be with our best friend forever just vanished. He knows that I do not approve, but he has told me on more than one occassion that he doesnt care what I think. Then he started calling her on the cellphone. I empathize with some of you that are hurting first because of the loss of your loved one and also because of your mother or father started a relationship with someone else. Like others have mentioned many times before in the comments, I too am glad that I am not alone in my feelings of anger, sadness, and guilt. Murdaughs wife, Maggie, and son, Paul, were found fatally shot on the familys Islandton property on June 7, 2021. The only thing that has gotten me through these years have been that I feel her presence still with me and her telling me that I should focus on my family and not let things get me down. Mum died at 56 and would be 90 if she had lived.I have lived with this situation for so many years. Thanksgiving is such a strong family time and you are still reeling from your loss. Are you willing to share yours? I know from experience that it can get very, very, very frustrating. Did your dad leave money for her retirement? I supported him finding companionship. I went next. And you did say this: Also, it's hard for me to really be 100% supportive for her when I am going through tons of grief as well. Its one thing to have pictures of strangers in bikinis in a garage, but a person you are trying to have a motherly relationship with?!?